Every time I come to update my blog I feel like I’m not even sure what I want to say. I’m not sure where I stand. I guess I should blog more often because I can just type my stream of thoughts and see if they take me to a conclusion. In that way, blogging is much like running for me. I start the run not knowing what thoughts will pop into my head, usually after a couple of miles I subconsciously start to work out the things that are stressing me and at the end I feel some clarity. So, here goes…
What started as a very easy transition from friendship to dating has become more difficult. Not that anything has really changed, except my expectations. It’s been two months since Mark and I went from friendship to relationship. At first it was sex, all sex, great, mind-blowing, wonderful sex. Because, really, we already laid the foundation and already had the friendship and knew all of the details or each other’s lives. Sex was really the only thing we’d never explored together. And that part of things has been beyond great. Each time it gets better. Sometimes we comment on how we had no idea sex could even be THAT good. Sometimes we wonder what took us SO long. Sometimes we wonder WHY it is so good. We’ve both admitted it is like an addiction and that we cannot get enough.
But, now that the exgirlfriend has completely moved out my expectation of more time together has not come to fruition. And this is not all his fault. I had a couple of weekends out of town, he was sick the one weekend, his work schedule can be hell, we live 1.5 hours away from each other…But, it is starting to bother me that I only see him once I week. I commented that I feel like his weekly poker game. It’s fun while you’re there and you look forward to it, but when it’s over you don’t think about it again until the next week.
See, he is not the greatest in the communication department. I am almost always the one that initiates the conversations. And rarely does he call me. Even though he has 2 hour long car rides at least a couple of times a week. This bothers me. When we are together he is great at sharing his thoughts and feelings and even tells me that he thinks of this or that about us on his long car rides. But, during the “off” time he doesn’t text or call to tell me these things. And he is REALLY bad about letting me know if plans are changing. This I attribute to the fact that he is an only child and even though he was married, he has no children and no family that live close to him, so he is used to doing whatever the heck he wants and not really answering to anyone or having to consider anyone else’s time. But, this week he has been out of state at a training and without me even saying anything he has started the conversations every day and kept them going. So, maybe he is just working too hard and doesn’t think to contact me or he’s just too dang tired!
But, my biggest issue is that he is not always honest with me. On two levels, one he tells white lies to get out of plans and two he doesn’t fully tell me what he wants/needs/expects out of our relationship. I have come to realize that he is a people pleaser, like me. And he doesn’t like to tell me no. If I ask him to stay with me for two days he will agree to it. Then, for whatever reason- work, laziness, being scared- he will bail on one of the days. And he will tell me he had to work, yet later I will find out he wasn’t working. (I am still wondering if he was truly sick that weekend.) I honestly do not believe that he is out there being “bad” when he bails, I think he overcommits and instead of just telling me he’s too tired to drive or that he’s scared to spend more time together, he will just blame work. My best friend is also good friends with him and she thinks the same thing. Plus, she can relate because she CONSTANTLY does the same thing, commits to something then decides she just isn’t up for it and makes up a white lie to get out of it. I need to get to the bottom of this because it makes me crazy. I go crazy when he bails, and at the last minute, because I am such a planner. I go crazy because I don’t know WHY he is cancelling, especially when I know it’s not work and I start imagining that he doesn’t like me and a million other things. And I go crazy wondering why he LIES about it. I need to just tell him that I’d rather be disappointed that he’s cancelling than suspicious every time he cancels.
And I need him to be more open about what he wants from the relationship. He gives me such mixed signals sometimes. He will tell me all the plans he has for us for the future, all the people that he has “bragged” to about dating me, all the people he can’t wait to tell, how “into” me he is, how happy he is when he spends the night, how I am perfect in every way, etc. Yet, then he makes comments about how it’s probably good that we live some distance away right now so we can go slow since he’s just getting out of a relationship and that it scares him to think if our feelings change down the road we might lose our friendship and then there’s the fact that he only gives me one day a week and that he DOES bail on other days. So, I don’t know what to think. I don’t know if he’s scared to move forward, not interested in moving forward or hell, if this is just normal for him.
This weekend was the first time that I did not accept his cancellation gracefully. He was supposed to stop by for lunch or dinner on his way to his out of state training. By noon on Sunday I still hadn’t heard anything- RUDE. So, I texted and asked when I was going to see him. He replied that he was stuck tying up loose ends at work and would let me know when he got on the road. I said, ok. Then he told me he had at least two hours more work to do and was running so behind. I said, ok. THEN he actually said he wouldn’t be able to stop. I said, ok drive safe. He said he was sorry and that it sucked, blah, blah, blah. I said, it is what it is. And he said, I can tell you’re pissed. I’m sorry. I promise it won’t always be like this. I said, you know me well. HAHAHA! Ok, so I was being a bitch. But, I WAS pissed. And I was tired of letting him cancel without any consequence. (I make it sound like he cancels ALL the time, that is not entirely true. But, in two months, including Sunday he has cancelled five times.) I told him how I feel like the poker game and that I’m not a priority and that he always cancels on me. He apologized again and again. And promised things would change. I guess we will see. He has stepped up the communication this week. And he is scheduled to drive straight to my house after training on Friday. I plan to have a heart to heart with him at that time.
I cannot let this evolve or progress any further without telling him exactly how I feel. In the past I have always let the men dictate where the relationship would go and how much of themselves they were willing to give me. This time I’ve decided I’m going to make my needs/wants known and let HIM decide if he can deliver. This time is different because I let down every wall as soon as I decided to sleep with him. That was the only wall I had. And I have no end game, I haven’t pictured the ending of this. AND I realized that he is the ONLY man in my WHOLE LIFE that I have never lied to. Never ever. And I also realized that subconsciously all the boys that I’ve kept around to give me positive attention when I need it, when I call on them, I have been cutting them out of my life.
I believe that I have already decided where this is going…..at least for me…..now to find out if he’s on the same path…..