Easy is Complicated

Every time I come to update my blog I feel like I’m not even sure what I want to say.  I’m not sure where I stand.  I guess I should blog more often because I can just type my stream of thoughts and see if they take me to a conclusion.  In that way, blogging is much like running for me.  I start the run not knowing what thoughts will pop into my head, usually after a couple of miles I subconsciously start to work out the things that are stressing me and at the end I feel some clarity.  So, here goes…

What started as a very easy transition from friendship to dating has become more difficult.  Not that anything has really changed, except my expectations.  It’s been two months since Mark and I went from friendship to relationship.  At first it was sex, all sex, great, mind-blowing, wonderful sex.  Because, really, we already laid the foundation and already had the friendship and knew all of the details or each other’s lives.  Sex was really the only thing we’d never explored together.  And that part of things has been beyond great.  Each time it gets better.  Sometimes we comment on how we had no idea sex could even be THAT good.  Sometimes we wonder what took us SO long.  Sometimes we wonder WHY it is so good.  We’ve both admitted it is like an addiction and that we cannot get enough. 

But, now that the exgirlfriend has completely moved out my expectation of more time together has not come to fruition.  And this is not all his fault.  I had a couple of weekends out of town, he was sick the one weekend, his work schedule can be hell, we live 1.5 hours away from each other…But, it is starting to bother me that I only see him once I week.  I commented that I feel like his weekly poker game.  It’s fun while you’re there and you look forward to it, but when it’s over you don’t think about it again until the next week.

See, he is not the greatest in the communication department.  I am almost always the one that initiates the conversations.  And rarely does he call me.  Even though he has 2 hour long car rides at least a couple of times a week.  This bothers me.  When we are together he is great at sharing his thoughts and feelings and even tells me that he thinks of this or that about us on his long car rides.  But, during the “off” time he doesn’t text or call to tell me these things.  And he is REALLY bad about letting me know if plans are changing.  This I attribute to the fact that he is an only child and even though he was married, he has no children and no family that live close to him, so he is used to doing whatever the heck he wants and not really answering to anyone or having to consider anyone else’s time.  But, this week he has been out of state at a training and without me even saying anything he has started the conversations every day and kept them going.  So, maybe he is just working too hard and doesn’t think to contact me or he’s just too dang tired!

But, my biggest issue is that he is not always honest with me.  On two levels, one he tells white lies to get out of plans and two he doesn’t fully tell me what he wants/needs/expects out of our relationship.  I have come to realize that he is a people pleaser, like me.  And he doesn’t like to tell me no.  If I ask him to stay with me for two days he will agree to it.  Then, for whatever reason- work, laziness, being scared- he will bail on one of the days.  And he will tell me he had to work, yet later I will find out he wasn’t working.  (I am still wondering if he was truly sick that weekend.)  I honestly do not believe that he is out there being “bad” when he bails, I think he overcommits and instead of just telling me he’s too tired to drive or that he’s scared to spend more time together, he will just blame work.  My best friend is also good friends with him and she thinks the same thing.  Plus, she can relate because she CONSTANTLY does the same thing, commits to something then decides she just isn’t up for it and makes up a white lie to get out of it.  I need to get to the bottom of this because it makes me crazy.  I go crazy when he bails, and at the last minute, because I am such a planner.  I go crazy because I don’t know WHY he is cancelling, especially when I know it’s not work and I start imagining that he doesn’t like me and a million other things. And I go crazy wondering why he LIES about it.  I need to just tell him that I’d rather be disappointed that he’s cancelling than suspicious every time he cancels. 

And I need him to be more open about what he wants from the relationship.  He gives me such mixed signals sometimes.  He will tell me all the plans he has for us for the future, all the people that he has “bragged” to about dating me, all the people he can’t wait to tell, how “into” me he is, how happy he is when he spends the night, how I am perfect in every way, etc.  Yet, then he makes comments about how it’s probably good that we live some distance away right now so we can go slow since he’s just getting out of a relationship and that it scares him to think if our feelings change down the road we might lose our friendship and then there’s the fact that he only gives me one day a week and that he DOES bail on other days.  So, I don’t know what to think.  I don’t know if he’s scared to move forward, not interested in moving forward or hell, if this is just normal for him.

This weekend was the first time that I did not accept his cancellation gracefully.  He was supposed to stop by for lunch or dinner on his way to his out of state training.  By noon on Sunday I still hadn’t heard anything- RUDE.  So, I texted and asked when I was going to see him.  He replied that he was stuck tying up loose ends at work and would let me know when he got on the road.  I said, ok.  Then he told me he had at least two hours more work to do and was running so behind.  I said, ok.  THEN he actually said he wouldn’t be able to stop.  I said, ok drive safe.  He said he was sorry and that it sucked, blah, blah, blah.  I said, it is what it is.  And he said, I can tell you’re pissed. I’m sorry.  I promise it won’t always be like this.  I said, you know me well.  HAHAHA!  Ok, so I was being a bitch.  But, I WAS pissed.  And I was tired of letting him cancel without any consequence.  (I make it sound like he cancels ALL the time, that is not entirely true.  But, in two months, including Sunday he has cancelled five times.)  I told him how I feel like the poker game and that I’m not a priority and that he always cancels on me.  He apologized again and again.  And promised things would change.  I guess we will see.  He has stepped up the communication this week.  And he is scheduled to drive straight to my house after training on Friday.  I plan to have a heart to heart with him at that time.

I cannot let this evolve or progress any further without telling him exactly how I feel.  In the past I have always let the men dictate where the relationship would go and how much of themselves they were willing to give me.  This time I’ve decided I’m going to make my needs/wants known and let HIM decide if he can deliver.  This time is different because I let down every wall as soon as I decided to sleep with him.  That was the only wall I had.  And I have no end game, I haven’t pictured the ending of this.  AND I realized that he is the ONLY man in my WHOLE LIFE that I have never lied to.  Never ever.  And I also realized that subconsciously all the boys that I’ve kept around to give me positive attention when I need it, when I call on them, I have been cutting them out of my life. 

I believe that I have already decided where this is going…..at least for me…..now to find out if he’s on the same path…..

Disappointment

(warning:  irrational, whiny post to follow)

I am the kind of girl who takes everyone for their word and also allows herself to get her hopes up, even in unrealistic situations.  I am the girl who thinks anything is possible and if someone says they’re going to do the impossible I believe them.  Now, I’m not gullible or naive, I just choose to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  And it takes a LOT for me to lose that faith in someone. But, this mindset also sets me up to be disappointed, often.  Because sometimes people say things without thinking them through or without knowing that I have total faith in their words.

Case in point: This weekend Mark was supposed to come over.  He started feeling sick Thursday night when he was here and Friday morning when he left he felt worse.  But, NUMEROUS times Friday he told me no matter how sick he was he was definitely coming Saturday.  Even if we couldn’t go out because he was sick, we would still hang out.  He was ADAMANT about it, without me even pressing the issue.  But, guess who is sitting home alone right now?

I KNOW it’s irrational for me to be upset.  He had a 104 fever this morning, went to urgent care and was given an IV.  But, I am still disappointed.  Like a lot.  Like I’ve felt like crying all day.  Part of it is because this was going to be the first weekend together.  And we were going on our first official date, he wanted to take me out for a nice dinner.  And part of it was because he didn’t even try to plan around a weekend that I didn’t have the kids, he was cool coming when they were here and I was excited for them to spend more time with him.  And part of it is because I usually see him once a week and this would have been a treat to see him again so soon.  And next weekend he has a commitment and then he’s out of town the next two weekends.  I guess I put a LOT of expectations on THIS weekend.

The other problem is that he didn’t “apologize” or acknowledge that I was upset.  I tried not to show my disappointment because, after all, he is sick, it’s not his “fault”.  But, I would have thought he would have shown more disappointment himself and would also acknowledge mine.

I still think it’s a good thing that we’re taking things slow and only see each other once or twice a week.  We both acknowledged that if he lived in town he would be here every single day.  But, I hate situations like this when I was going to get a “bonus” and then it doesn’t happen.  And because he lives an hour and a half away and has a crazy work schedule I would say about 1/4 of the time our plans get cancelled anyway.  It’s really hard for me to deal with it.  I look forward to our time together so much that my disappointment is huge when it doesn’t happen.  I feel like things are perfect when we’re together, but the in between time just sucks.

Another reason I was excited about this weekend is because it was HIS idea.  As was Thursday.  Usually I’m the one asking “when do I see you next?”  But this time HE asked to stay on Thursday and HE said he wanted the weekend, etc.  And he was so gung ho about it and talked about it a LOT more than he usually does.  So, I thought come hell or highwater he’d be here.

One of my friends just tells me to chill.  She points out that he always follows through when he tells me he’s going to do something.  That he asked me for 30 days with the exgirlfriend and then 2 days later finished it off.  That he says all the right things and shows how he feels through his actions most of the time too.  And that I just have to stop over thinking, stop over analyzing and just know in HIS mind a missed day here and there is no big deal because he knows there will be many more.  And I think all of that is true.  I just wish HE would actually say those words.  It’d make me feel better.  Not like I am a crazy psycho needy biatch.

The exgirlfriend officially moves out next weekend.  She hasn’t really been there lately, but the movers are coming to get her stuff and then that is a done, done deal.  And then I’ll be able to visit at his house, which might make things a little easier.

One thing I’ve learned from all of this…..I care…a lot.  I wouldn’t get this disappointed if I wasn’t vested in the outcome.  I rarely cry.  Very rarely.  Yet today it’s taken everything I have not to.  And if I was to actually talk to one of my girlfriends or Mark on the phone I probably would break down.  But, since it’s me and the kiddos I suck it up, go to the pool and try to get over it.  And look forward to the next time.

Balance

(I know I’ve been gone a while.  Life, it’s gotten hectic.  Sorry!)

Let me start by saying things are going really well with Mark.  After my last post we had a bit of a come to Jesus meeting, hashed it all out and the ex-girlfriend is gone.  Which makes it possible to move forward and have fun.  We’ve been enjoying our time together.  I have had some super busy weekends as of late and he’s been working insane hours we  have only seen each other about once a week.  It is kind of nice that it’s been forced to be slow.

But, now I have another issue.  Specifically my teenage daughter.  I have always kept my dating life and home life separate.  I have chosen to stay at the man’s house in the past or wait until all the kids are away to have him over.  I have never introduced another man to my children.  Let alone had him spend the night.  BUT, it is different with Mark.  We’ve known each other for years.  We are already at the “comfortable” stage in our relationship.  He’s already told me he has no doubt we will marry (and I tend to agree).  Things feel different this time.  They feel right.  On all levels. 

So, I invited him to dinner when the kids were home.  And it was an odd experience.  My children are the type that love to show off to people.  New people, people they haven’t seen in a while, relatives, friends.  You name it, if someone comes to our house they are pulling out toys and books and stories from the past five years.  They get up in a person’s face and want to tell them anything and everything.  They steal the spotlight and don’t stop.  Except, when Mark came to dinner everything was business as usual.  There was no showboating.  They acted like it was any other night in our house.  They did their chores, got ready for bed and actually went to bed.  I have never seen my children behave this way with someone else in the house, not even my best friend.  Mark commented that he’s never seen such well behaved kids and such a well run house.  I was in shock.  It was almost like nothing was new.  He just fit right into our lives. 

The next night I didn’t have the little kids, but obviously had my teen.  Mark was still in town and asked if he could spend the night.  I talked it over with the teen and she said it was fine with her.  She liked him and said it wouldn’t bother her.  WRONG!

The next day she had a FIT!  She told me I was disgusting and that she knew I must have had sex.  (Let me just say that she has been very forthright with the fact that she has sex with her boyfriend and has an IUD because of this.)  She said that she didn’t expect me to stop dating, but that I should not be having sex and that I am a MOTHER.  Lordy.  I pointed out that she has sex with her boyfriend, but because I am a MOTHER somehow there is a different standard.  And then I pointed out that I had sex quite often (while she was in the house) when I was married, but apparently THAT is ok too.  But, an unmarried mother is NOT supposed to have sex until her children are grown and out of the house. 

This is SO difficult for me.  Because while I want to be understanding and cognizant of her feelings, I also cannot let her manipulate or dictate the situation.  When asked WHAT bothers her about it, she cannot say, only that I am disgusting.  She still admits that she really likes Mark and is happy that I am dating.  But, that she doesn’t think we should have sex.  Ever.  And that she is furious about it.  AND that it makes her uncomfortable.  She went on to say that she promised my ex husband that nothing of this sort would ever happen when the little kids were around.  Honestly I am dumbfounded. 

There is such a thin line for me to try to walk here.  I have talked to her about how Mark and I are not just casually dating, how I’ve known him for years (which she knows because she’s aware that we go to dinner all the time), that he is going to become a larger part of all of our lives, etc.  I try to relate it to how she feels about her boyfriend and how she hangs out with him EVERY SINGLE DAY.  But, she just doesn’t understand it.  And I’m not sure what to do.  If I don’t let him sleepover I feel like I’m letting her dictate how things will go.  But, if I continue to let him come over I feel like she will think I don’t value her opinion.  I’ve thought of having him just hang out more often, and not spend the night, but she has told me that it’s not him, not that we’re dating, only the sex part.

When did 17 year olds become so judgmental??  I just hate that it makes me question my own motives.  Am I making the right decisions?  My daughter has been difficult (to say the least) for many years.  She tends to have a very egotistical personality and can be very, very selfish.  I asked her what she feels is changing by having Mark around more often.  Does she feel like she has “lost” anything or have I required anything more of her and she says no.  I have talked to family members and friends that know the situation and they all think that she is A) still coming to terms with me dating in general and B) trying to manipulate the situation.  Even my own mother and father have said it. 

It is just so hard for me.  I feel like I’m failing her by making her “uncomfortable” and in a way I am being selfish by bringing him around when I know she doesn’t like it.  But, on the other hand I know that I am allowed to be happy and allowed to do things for myself.  And what I’m doing isn’t harming anyone or illegal or even out of the ordinary.  It’s not like I’m bringing a different guy home every day, week, month, hell even year.  In three years he’s the first person I’ve brought home. 

I need to find balance.

Whip Smart

I belong to a book club with some of my girlfriends.  We started it on a whim and it’s nothing organized or stuffy.  The first month we didn’t even read the book because we all hated it.  The second month we read the book, but barely discussed it, instead choosing to watch the movie version and gossip.  This month our selection was Whip Smart:  A Memoir, by Melissa Febos. 

This is the story of a former Dominatrix.  At first I was a little skeptical.  I figured it would be a book about S&M and bondage, two things I’m not really in to.  I thought it would either glorify the profession or criticize it.  Once I started reading it I could not put it down.  The story was riveting.

Melissa was a normal every day girl.  She was going to college, her parents were both still alive, she hadn’t suffered any trauma or abuse.  She could have been any girl off the street.  She happened to run into a woman who was a Dominatrix and was introduced to the profession.  I have to admit, it sounds like a sweet gig. 

She worked out of a “dungeon” that was safe, they had rules, they had props, they had mentors.  Basically, men would come in, let their fantasy/fetish/desire be known and Melissa would act it out.  Some of the sessions were horrifying, some were amusing, all were fascinating.    Some of the men preferred to be verbally berated, some wanted to role play, others wanted to be given enemas while having their nipples clamped.  To each their own, I guess.  She never had sex with them.  Most of the time she stayed 100% clothed, although occasionally she had to remove her panties to deliver a golden shower.  She made $75 per session, which fed her drug addiction.  Interestingly enough, she was addicted to drugs before becoming a domme.

I have to say, the way Melissa wrote did not glorify the profession.  But, it definitely got me thinking.  Would I ever be a domme at this point in my life?  No.  But, would I/could I have been?  Absolutely.  Power and control are addictive things.  The way she was desired, even when treating men badly is a drug itself.  The way Melissa analyzed it and wrote about it I could picture myself in her shoes (minus the drug addiction).  I have many of the same thoughts and feelings in my life, in my dealings with men in general. 

The thrill of being desired.  (Even if for the wrong reasons.)

The longing for the desire, not the man.

The ability to keep men at a distance to maintain the control.

The need to keep stepping over the boundaries.

The need/want to have the attention of many men simultaneously.

At the end of the book, Melissa is sober and has finally quit being a domme.  In that order.  Again, interesting to me.  She talks about missing the work, but also being happy.  One quote resonates with me so fully, though, that I found myself fistpumping and nodding my head and wanting to say YES YES YES!  I GET IT!  That is how I feel.

“Only when I stopped did I realized how much energy I put forth in seduction. 

Everyone I met! 

I wanted everyone I met to be a little bit in love with me.”

 One day, I hope to be able to stop.  I hope I have someone, like Melissa does, that told her no.  No, you don’t need to seduce everyone.  No, you don’t need everyone to love you.

confusion

It seems to me that every time I start talking to a man who may be a potential relationship I just end up confused.  Is it that I overanalyze?  It is that I expect too much too quickly?  Is it that I’m truly not ready deep down?  This is the state I’m in yet again.

Things were (are?) going well with Mark.  He came over Thursday and spent the night.  We had a great time.  He said even more things about our future and what we’ll do and what he can’t wait for.  He said he’s so glad that he has more work in my town which means more trips to see me.  He said it was crazy how the “floodgates” opened and that he doesn’t even know how we got to where we’re at.  We talked about being spoiled just laying in each other’s arms with not a care in the world.  When it was time for him to leave I was playfully telling him not to go.  And he said, “oh I finally get to see your lovey dovey side”.  Which on one had was kindof cute, but other the other hand it actually scared me.  I am NOT one to show that side so quickly.  That is the part that stays hidden behind the wall.  I can be a sex goddess that fucks them and leaves them or lets them leave, but showing emotion this early on is a big no-no for me.  But, with Mark it feels different because he’s already seen the vulnerable side of me.   He knows exactly how I’ve felt about every guy I’ve slept with since my divorce.  He knows how I felt on the inside and the persona that I displayed to them.   And I thought he’d see right through my tough act anyway.  Plus, I really didn’t want him to go, I wanted to preserve the fantasy a little longer.

But, I feel like something shifted a bit Friday morning.  And maybe it didn’t, maybe I’m being paranoid.  But, there was a lot of silence and just cuddling.  It felt like there were a lot of words unsaid.  From both of us.  I know why I didn’t say mine.  I am still trying to figure out where he stands with the (ex)girlfriend and I’m still trying to figure out if this is just FWB or more than that.  Everything he SAYS sounds like it’s more than FWB and that things are over with the girlfriend, but I am unsure.  I wanted to tell him that I want more than THIS, the sex meetups here and there.  I wanted to tell him that I cannot be completely open emotionally until she has moved out.  I wanted to tell him that I have pictured seamlessly incorporating him into my life.  But, it’s only been two weeks.  I couldn’t do it.  Much as I rehearsed it in my head, I couldn’t do it.  Why?  For fear that he’d tell me to back the fuck up?  That it had only been two weeks and he just really liked the sex?  For fear that he’d tell me he didn’t have feelings like that?  Why didn’t I just say what I was thinking?

Over the weekend we barely talked.  Literally a couple of texts here and there.  His mom was in town.  It was his birthday weekend and he went out and partied it up.  He was supposed to come over today as it’s my day off….

This morning I went to his FB page to wish him a happy birthday, and there is a happy birthday from “her” that says love you.  (I might add that he rarely uses FB and it still lists his status as in a relationship w/ her and his profile pic is of the two of them).  It made my heart sink.  I left my generic happy birthday.  Then I texted him and said, Happy Birthday, I have a present for you….And he tells me because he didn’t go to work yesterday (cause he was hungover) he has to go today.  And that he’s so mad and blah, blah, blah.   And I just shut down.  I turned off the “feelings”, or at least I hope I have, or realistically I’ll say that I WANT to.  Outwardly I have.  I didn’t even give him any indication that I was upset that he wouldn’t be coming over.   I will not be initiating the next request for a meet up, if there is one.

What confuses me is that I am pretty sure he IS done with the girlfriend.  Even other people at work know that they’re breaking up and that she’s moving out and one guy offered to give him a bed.  One of the other guys even offered him a place to stay for a few days while she moved out.  He keeps saying how we’ll go to the hockey playoffs (which start next week).  But, I don’t think he’s been completely honest with her about the finality of it all.  And I think she might be grasping to hold it together.

I feel like I’m in a sticky situation.  I figure I have some choices.  A) I can tell him that we are taking a break until things are final with her.  Until she has moved out.  But then I fear that he won’t move quickly or that he won’t move at all or that he’ll find someone else in the meantime,  B) I can keep it about the sex and hope that eventually it will develop into all the things he says it will.  But, that is so adolescent.  Even typing it sounds ridiculous.  C) I can say fuck it and walk.  Go back to being friends. D) I can put it all out there and tell him exactly how I feel and see how he reacts.   The most realistic options for me are B and D. I will mostly likely just shut down the emotional and continue to meet him with the hopes that things progress and eventually, probably sooner than later, I will bear my heart and let him decide what to do.  And that makes me feel weak dammit.  Why can’t I just say we’re on a break until things are done with her?  Why can’t I be strong like that?  Because deep down I just want it to work.  I want him to love me and love me right NOW.  I want all those things he’s said to be true and come true.  I didn’t picture an end game with him.  I didn’t keep up a wall around my heart.  I believed him when he said they were done and that’s why I went for it.

Again, I feel like a fool.  For thinking he was different.   For thinking that he meant the things he said.  For getting my hopes up.  I am better when I am alone and know I’m alone.  No expectations or hopes to be crushed.  No worries.  No games.

 

PS….After typing this and reading it and putting it out there for all to see, I actually feel stronger.  And I have almost convinced myself that I can choose option A.  And I might just do it….

Unguarded

Things have progressed quite quickly with Mark.  He did come over last Friday and we had an amazing time.  We had sex and talked and had more sex and talked and, well you get the point.  I’ve ended up seeing him every day this week so far at work and Monday after work for a “brief encounter” before I had to head home.  He is planning to spend the night tomorrow and take Monday (his birthday) off of work since I am off too.   It’s been an equal mix of hot steamy sex and deep “pillow talk”.  It’s been intense. 

But, I am struggling.  The only wall I’ve ever had with him was to keep away from the physical, because we weren’t ever available at the same time.  But, in all other aspects I’ve always been completely and utterly open and honest with him and vice versa.  He knows about every guy I’ve gone out with and slept with.  I’ve always weighed in on his relationships and told him exactly what I think.  He knows my hopes and dreams and I know his.   Now that we crossed the line physically there is nothing holding anything back.  And it TERRIFIES me.

I have not felt like this since things were hot and heavy with John.  And, dare I say, this is even more intense than the feelings I had for John and a lot quicker.  He is constantly on my mind.  I want to see him every minute.  When we do see each other it takes every fiber of my being not to just kiss him.  I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him.  I want to do everything with him.  Oh jeez, I don’t even like seeing those things written out.  I feel like a freakin schoolgirl!  I feel out of control. 

And he says the same things.  HE was the one that said he was “addicted” on Monday.  He said that he can’t stop thinking about me.  He told me I was his crack.  He tells me he could kiss me all day.  That he is going to make sure he’s in town more often.   He makes it a point to stop by my office every day when he’s in town.  The other day he was here and said he had to leave because he was getting too worked up.  Then he came right back, got right up in my ear and whispered, “best sex in YEARS”.  He says he cannot wait to meet the kids.  He says he wants me to watch him play hockey.  He said he can’t wait to watch me run my next race.  He said he can’t wait until we both have a free weekend so he can take me away somewhere.  He said he wants to go to Vegas soon.  He said he wants me to come to his place (we live about 1 1/2 hours away from each other) and hang out by the pool all day.  He says he can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction when they find out about us because we have so many friends/coworkers in common that would never think we’d get together.  He says he’s not joking when he makes those comments about marriage.

So, what’s my problem, right?  Two things.  First, the girlfriend still hasn’t moved out.  The house is his and she needs to find a place and move out.  He is having a hard time just kicking her out.  And he says he doesn’t know how to handle it when she’s crying and carrying on.  He tells me that it is definitely, definitely over and that they both know it, but because their issue isn’t an immediate one, it’s more a future issue, that the breakup has been kindof hard to navigate.  He knows that I cannot be “the other woman” again.  And he has assured me that he is giving her the ultimatum after this weekend (they both have family coming in from out of town so he thinks it’s best to wait until they leave).  I have to trust him on this.  He’s been nothing but honest this whole time. He will answer any question I ask about her.  And he hasn’t tried to hide any of it.  But, I don’t like feeling like the other woman again.  And I don’t like sitting around waiting for her to move out.  I feel like I can’t make any plans with him until she is completely out of the picture. 

My second problem is that I have absolutely nothing guarding my heart.  I feel like I should pull back and that I should go slower.  That I should build a wall.  Not be so trusting.  But how?  It’s like a dam broke once we decided to go for it and now I can’t build a wall with everything spilling out.  And honestly, that’s not me.  I’m the kind of girl that gives it all, everything.  I don’t think you should hold back on your feelings.  I think you should tell people how you feel.  Life is too short.  Sometimes you get hurt and sometimes you have to pick up the broken pieces.  I was expressing this fear to my BFF on Monday and she told me that so far he has given me absolutely no reason not to trust him.  And holding back isn’t going to do any good.  And that if I end up broken, she will be there with me every step of the way.  (I’m telling you, everyone needs a friend like that in their life, I am blessed.) So I’ve decided not to pull back, to keep going.  To wear my heart on my sleeve and hope that it stays in one piece this time.

 

Closure

Last night I ran into John at the dry cleaners.  I said hi in passing and walked out.  And then he called and asked why I was so short with him, etc.  He gave me quite a hard time.  Also brought up my friendship with my FWB buddy from last year because he knows him and about him.  After I hung up the phone it was clear to me that I needed closure.  The closure I was never strong enough to have before.  I always had that sliver or hope and I hung on to that.  Whether it is because Mark is now in the picture or because I realized the strength in myself I am not sure.  But, either way, I was finally ready to put it all to rest.  Here is the email I sent him this morning:

So, after your call last night I was spinning, yet again.  When I talk to you I always end up feeling guilty.  You have a way of doing that to me.  You know me well enough to know how to get to me without acting like an asshole.  But, then it was like a switch went off in my head.  And I just decided I’m not going to allow it anymore.  I’m done feeling guilty.  I’m done feeling confused.  I’m done. 

 You made things this way.  You didn’t accept my love when I gave it.  You didn’t love me back.  You were unavailable to me.  You found someone else.  You still talk to her.  You don’t need me, nor do you want me.  You just like knowing that I’m still there whenever it’s convenient for you.  And you like knowing that I still want you.

 Yes, I treat you just like anyone else when I run in to you now.  Because you are just anyone else to me.  Once, you were special.  Once you were the love of my life.  Now, you have chosen to be another dude that comes in and out of my life at your whim.  And that is fine.  But, don’t complain when that’s what I treat you as.  You can be jealous of the friendship I have with Steve, but I won’t feel guilty about it.  My relationship with Steve is a two way street.  He supports me and I support him.  We are friends that can depend on each other, even though we don’t hook up anymore.  I am truly happy that he has found someone that makes him happy.  And I can guarantee you that he wants me to find the same.  That is what real friendship is.

 I am sure this email will come as a shock to you because even recently I’ve hinted that I still want you back.  But, I don’t.  It’s been 18 months since you broke my heart and finally, I’ve healed.  You say you “don’t even know me anymore”.  And it’s true.  You don’t know this girl.  The one that is strong and secure and confident and happy and content.  The one that can live without you.  Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Elle. 

 I thank you for helping mold me into this girl.  While we were together you helped me gain my confidence and security.  And by letting me go you helped me gain my strength and resolve and my knowledge that I will never settle.  I will never be with someone that doesn’t love me as much as I love them.  I will never let myself be number 2 or 3 or 4.  I’ve learned that I can love and more importantly I’ve learned that I can heal.    

 I’ve finally realized that by holding on to even that sliver of hope that things would one day, some day, work out with us I have closed myself off to meeting someone new.  You’re right, I do deserve someone better.  I am now ready to put us to rest.  All of us.  There is no us.  There will be no us.  I am on a new journey, of my own.  I wish you luck on yours.

 

unexpected

Remember my Valentine’s Day flowers?  Let me cut right to the chase and say that my “friend”, let’s call him Mark,  and I are now more than friends.  And I’m trying to process it.

A little background- we’ve known each other for a little over three years now.  He used to be my supervisor.  I actually met his wife (now ex) before I met him.  She used to cut my hair.  Then I met him at work.  We were always friends, always joked, always talked.  We bonded over some of our similarities, like the fact that we’re both from NY and both love hockey.  I transferred to a different office and we kept in touch.  When he came to my new office we’d do lunch here and there.  We got to be really, really good friends.  I went through my divorce and he was there for me through it all.  And he knew about my affair and was the one I would call crying when things weren’t working.  He wanted to punch John in the face.  Mark was always upset that I would go back to him.  Then he went through his divorce.  And I was there for him.  And we talked a LOT about what we each had done wrong.  How we wanted things to be different.  How we were both trying to process things and move on and be better people. 

He ended up meeting someone pretty quickly, whereas I was hung up on John and also playing the field, but cautiously.  He liked her a lot and while he thought he was gonna be slutting it up he settled down with her fairly quick.  One problem, she was only 33 and didn’t have any children.  He’s almost 40 and also doesn’t have children, but doesn’t want to start a family at this point in his life.  He loves kids and wants kids, but doesn’t want a baby.  He had already come to terms with the fact that he was not going to have biological children.  He figured he’d meet someone with kids and have the “insta family” and that sounded good to him.  The girlfriend started pressuring him to change his mind and think about having a baby.  He and I talked long and hard about this.  A LOT.  For hours.  And I am not one to sugar coat things.  I told him if he wanted a baby he would know it, there would be no waffling.  And if he gave in and compromised he would likely have feelings of resentment down the road.  He struggled a lot.  Because he liked everything else about this girl.  They got along really well, they had a lot of fun, everything else was perfect.  But, we all know, a baby is a deal breaker.  Major deal breaker.  Plus, if we’re being completely honest I don’t think he was in love with her.  As we share EVERYTHING he’d told me about a couple of times that he’d gone out with other people while they were dating. 

So, he finally tells her that he is not going to have a baby.  He let her decide if she still wanted to stay with him.  And she has decided that they are over because she really wants a baby.

Now he and I have always had a great underlying friendship.  And after we both divorced there was always chemistry there.  But, we were never “available” at the same time.  We always talked about how if we ever got married again it would probably be to each other because we are so honest with each other and so compatible.  We always make the time to go to dinner and/or lunch when he is around for business.  He is obviously sweet and thoughtful as evidenced by the flowers.  He always tells me how impressed he is with my parenting skills (even though he’s never met my children) and how sexy he’s always thought I was.

So, fast forward to last week.  He tells me that he and his girlfriend have finally called it quits.  It just so happens that I’m going to be by his house the next day.  He immediately asks me if I can make a pit stop to visit him.  And I acquiesce.  I mean, come on, I have had sex once in eight months!  Of COURSE I’m gonna meet him.

I was a little nervous when we met.  I mean, we’ve been doing this flirting thing for a long time, but we’ve never acted on it.  It was hard to go from having boundaries to having none.  But, we managed.  HAHA!  It was good.  It was nice.  It actually didn’t feel “new”.  It felt we’d been there before.

But, I’m still not sure where it will lead.  Even that night he made another comment about “at our wedding”.  He has said that he would love to come on my planned camping trip with the kids in June.  And he is coming to town for a whole week in April and wants to come to dinner.  When I have the kids.  I have to decide what I feel about that.  I think we will have to determine that we are either officially dating or that we are just friends before I allow him to meet the kids.  I’m trying to be cautious.  Because he is just getting over this other relationship (he asked me to give him 2 weeks before he’s moved everything out, etc.) and I don’t want to be the rebound girl.  And is it really over with her?  That two weeks comment kind of threw me for a loop.  Plus, I’m pretty sure that if we “date” it will move pretty quickly since the  groundwork has been laid.  I wonder if he really could settle in to family life.  Since he’s never been around kids 24/7.  That’s a huge concern for me.  I also worry that he could be faithful.  He was with his first wife, but I’ve seen his whorish ways since the divorce.  HAHA!

And I wonder what I want.  Is he what I want or is he what is available right now?  Am I turning it into something that it isn’t because I WANT that companionship so badly?  Should I keep it FWB?  It’s been hard for me to figure out.  And when we met last week we didn’t really, um, talk.  He is coming to town again on Friday and we’re supposed to meet.  I am hoping that we can talk more so I get a better feel for where HE is at.  I think I’ve got my walls up and I’m just afraid to let them down so quickly.  Even though I know him and trust him. 

So here we go again.  Cautiously optimistic…..

I’ve Got Nothin’

So, Greg never followed through with contact after our date.  I initiated texts twice after and he seemed to go along with the conversation, but never initiated on his own.  I’m not sure if he wasn’t interested or if he’s just shy.  Either way, I don’t have time for games, so he is done.

I took my profile off of Match.  Obviously I didn’t have much luck and I felt like it was stressful to respond to people I wasn’t interested in or to even figure out if I was interested.  Physical chemistry is such a huge factor for me that I really think I need that face to face meeting initially.

I’m really feeling good about things.  I’ve had a few lonely moments lately, but I’m not obsessed with it.  And I’m not out there looking everywhere.  I’m busy with life in general and just willing to let things happen on their own time.

I think my biggest concern is that I will get stuck in a rut and eventually months will turn into years and years will turn in to decades and I will still be alone.  While I’m sure I’d survive and it wouldn’t be the end of the world, that’s not really what I had envisioned for myself.  I WANT to find someone to spend my time with.  I WANT to be physical with someone.  I WANT to have someone in my life on a regular basis.  I don’t want to be an old maid or the crazy cat lady.  Eventually my kidlets will leave me and I don’t want to be ALL alone.  So, I find that I have to keep a balance.  Not look desperately, but not put the thought completely out of my mind either. 

In the meantime I just keep my head up, keep busy and focus on ME!

I’m Not Broken

I had a first date on Sunday that actually went really well.  While I shouldn’t really be surprised, I am. 

I was really starting to think that maybe I had unrealistic expectations.  Maybe I really AM too picky and I’ll never find someone who measures up.  I mean I can’t even get past the first date without being completely turned off.  When it happens time and time again you have to look inside yourself and figure out if being so selective is a good thing or if something else is coming in to play.  Maybe I purposely push away because I’m not ready?  Maybe I am putting too much emphasis on the wrong things?  Maybe I do need to be willing to compromise a little bit?  But, every time I start to think that way I realize that I am not willing to push aside my expectations.  I want someone who makes me happy, that I am happy with.  I do not want to have to compromise right off the bat.  And I also do not want to waste anyone’s time if I know that things will never work out.

But, Sunday I finally met Greg, my pen pal.  After my last post about him I just up and asked him to meet for coffee.  I didn’t really know how to stop emailing him so abruptly, but I wasn’t willing to just keep emailing with no future plans.  I asked, he accepted, then we just had to juggle our schedules to find a day that worked.  We were originally going to go out this coming Friday, but he texted to ask if I wanted to move it up to Sunday.  We met at 6:30pm and stayed at the coffee shop until 10 when they kicked us out.  The conversation was great, he was handsome, we seemed to get along well.  We laughed a lot, but also touched on some serious subjects, namely our past relationships and kids and where we were relationship wise now.  I think we are in very similar places.  He asked if he could contact me again and I said yes.  He texted me afterward and told me he enjoyed himself. 

But, now is when I go into “girl” mode.  I feel like I’m in limbo.  Normally this doesn’t happen because I’m the one trying to give the brush off right away.  But, since I liked him and felt like we had a connection I immediately think HE is probably going to try to walk away.  Stupid, I know, yet that’s where my brain goes.  I overanalyze and wonder if I talked too much about myself and didn’t ask enough questions of him.  I wonder if we talked too much about our pasts for a first date.  I wonder if he was just being “nice” by asking to see me again. I did text him briefly last night because something came up during the day that we’d spoken about.  But, I still didn’t get an accurate vibe about where he is at.

So now I just wait.  I won’t initiate contact again.  He knows that I don’t have plans Friday since that’s when we were originally going to go out.  I would like to go out again, but I won’t get my hopes up.  Even before our date I decided that if things didn’t work out with him I would be done with Match and I would take a “break” from actively seeking dates for the time being.  My next few months are filled with Cub Scout activities and races and trips so I will focus on those and get back to square one if need be. 

But, I’m still hoping for that call…..